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More reflections on Proverbs

This time from Chapter 20, verse 5:

A plan in the heart of a man is like deep water,
But a man of understanding draws it out.

I had looked up some commentary on today’s reading, mostly for 20:16 which left me a bit confused. The commentary I read seemed a reasonable reading of it. They fit with other Proverbs verses concerning surety. This verse, though, I’m not sure about the commentary.

The commentary says the wise are reluctant to offer council while the fool gives it readily. Thus, one must draw out the council of the wise. I’m not so sure about that.

“A man of understanding” seems to be more the wise man than just a man. The same source reads 18:4 not as a contrast but as two separate statements, the first corresponding the deep waters of the wise here and the second how wisdom needs an eternal source.

I think this missing a broader theme. As I wrote before I key idea I am reading in the Proverbs is the joyfulness of wisdom. I read deep waters both there and here in contrast to the joyful nature of the wise.

Instead of the need for “a man of understanding” to draw out wisdom from the wise I read in this passage something different. We know in our hearts the truth of things. However, our attachment to sin and folly often overcome these basic truths. A plan, such as The Lord’s plan for us or a simple plan for us to improve ourselves, in our heart is often buried by self-doubt, recrimination, or just the chatter and distractions of the world. It takes a wise man, “a man of understanding”, to draw what is best in us out, to show us ourselves.

One could argue this Proverb foreshadows our salvation. Christ, as The World made Flesh, is the ultimate man of understand. In embracing the Christian life, we are engaging with Christ and allowing him to draw God’s plan for us out of our hearts and into the world. Too often we take faith and believe in the same way the infamous Sunday School Christian takes comfort. The process of a life in Christ is that of letting the wisest of all, The Lord, draw out of our hearts our better natures.

It is also a charge upon us. A plan in a man’s heart is deep waters and deep water covers that which is worthy and hides that we seek to find. It is our charge to draw out those among us. Do not let their plans lie in deep waters but draw them to bring out their best.

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By Miss Gothic Manners
May 20, 2011

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Brief Reflections on Proverbs 18

At the suggestion of CD I listen to a lot I’ve been working to read one chapter of Proverbs a day corresponding to the day of the month (there are 31…on the last of the month I’ll read through 31).

Today is my first time through Proverbs chapter 18 and one passage jumped out at me above all others (New American Standard):

4 The words of a man’s mouth are deep waters;
The fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook.

We normally assign the idea of depth to deep thoughts to wisdom and babbling to the prattle of an airhead. Yet here the Bible uses a metaphor 180 degrees. Why?

My initial thought is deep waters drown us, separate us from life. Such is the prattle of the empty mind as well. Consider that ultimate symbol of airheaded prattle, television. Television doesn’t wash over us like a bubbling brook or carry us like a rushing stream (the translation of the last two words in the New International Version) but sucks hours and life away. Deep thoughts sound great but, as Tori Amos once asked us (in a song about finding our own voices at that), “What’s so amazing about really deep thoughts”. The Divinely Inspired writer of the Proverbs might ask us the same thing.

Meanwhile consider the bubbling brook. It does wash over us and in doing so cleanses and refreshes us. The bubbling brook brings joy and laugher when we dive into its waters. Is that not what wisdom should bring us? Is not the light of God meant to bring joy to us? The Psalms tell us to “Make a joyful noise unto the LORD”? Then his wisdom should be a source of joy and joyful noise not the silence of the depths. To take the other translation I cited, the rushing stream carries away debris from its shores and carries us forward in our journey. Again, is that not a be better metaphor for wisdom than sinking to the depths. When we apply wise council to our problems do they not appear to be something we can resolve instead of pulling us under. When we apply wise council to our choices does not our journey through life lead us to better places and our better selves?

I cannot help but be reminded both of the Taoists and of the final bull in 10 Bulls in Zen Flesh, Zen Bones.

Wisdom should not be deep, silencing thoughts as too many of us have been taught. Instead, wisdom should refresh us and bring us joy. It should not silence us in depths but make us alive in the world.

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By Miss Gothic Manners
May 18, 2011

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From the “Looks are the least of it” file

I recently saw Reds.

Helen Mirren plays one of the female leads. According to Wikipedia she’s 65.

She’s still got it. In fact, she’s got it as much or more than she did the first time I saw her in Excalibur way back in 1981.

She has it at 65 more than most 20 something flavors of the month have it while they are the flavor of the month, much less than they do at 65.

So ladies (and gentlemen, but men seem less worried about age per se affecting their sexiness) your sexiness isn’t exclusively tied to age or looks. How you handle yourself does more to make you sexy than anything else.

Just ask Helen Mirren.

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By Miss Gothic Manners
April 29, 2011

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Things Not To Put In Your Online Dating Profile

Okay, first off two assumptions:

  1. These posts are aimed at women.
  2. These posts are aimed at women who want to have a traditional dating role: be approached by men where you select which ones to respond to

Today’s no-no is to list that you are Quirkyalone. Before the flame wars start please note I’m not saying don’t be Quirkyalone and consider my assumptions for context.

Why, in the context of my assumptions, is this something not to put in your online dating profile. You are subverting assumption number two. Let’s look at the Quirkyalone manifesto:

Quirkyalone is not anti-love. It is pro-love. It is not anti-dating. It is anti-compulsory dating. We tend to be romantics. We prefer to be single rather than settle. In fact, the core of quirkyalone is the inability to settle. We spend a signficant chunk of our lives single because we hold relationships to a high standard.

Now, go back to assumption number two. You want men to approach you but you’ve already put out a big sign that says, “I’m probably going to shoot you down.” You might think you haven’t. You might think you’re being very reasonable and just wanting someone as good as you are and being honest about it. You are, but you need to think like a man.

I had a female friend who once lamented that she needed to go on 100 first dates to find one man worth going on a second date. I countered it is the same for men but we have to ask 100 women out to get each of those first dates having to date a total of 10,000 to find one worth taking out again. While both of us probably exaggerated the ratios (I picked mine simply to match hers) there is a fundamental truth at work here. Even if we are both off by a factor of ten that means as a man I have to approach ten women per date and 100 women per wanting a second date. Assuming getting the second date if 50/50 that’s still 200 approaches before going out with someone.

So, like women men filter out prospective dates. That is where advertising you’re being Quirkyalone is going to hurt you. Men, especially in the online dating world, have learned to read “high standards” as picky and never satisfied. To use a more traditional term men will read that and think “she is high maintenance”. The big problem is high standards is a pretty amorphous concept. Does it mean I’ll only those who qualify for International Society for Philosophical Enquiry? Does it mean being an artist? Does it mean having an income over a certain level or having a certain profession? Does it refer to looks or religious beliefs? We don’t know. What we do know is in the past it has meant “not you” at some point. So, wanting to cut those 200 down to a more manageable number we consider ourselves pre-rejected and move on to the next profile. She may have smaller breasts, brown hair over your blond, and work at a bank over your job creating innovating animation for the web, but her profile is open and doesn’t make us think we’ll be jumping through hoops if we’re blessed enough to get a reply to our email.

Be Quirklyalone and hold out for the best to come along and make a life you enjoy without another person. Anyone who wants one day to be in a good relationship certainly needs to do the last one first. In the wise words of Tracy McMillan, You’re just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won’t. Once the initial high wears off, you’ll just be you, except with twice as much laundry. In owning that by choosing to be Quirkyalone you might be ahead of that woman in the next profile over even though she’s thinner, blonder, and better in bed.

So just say that. Have your profile tell me you’ve made a good life and are willing to share it with the right person. It’s much better than saying, “I’m Quirkyalone” and having him look up words that to him mean, “She more trouble than she’s worth”.

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By Miss Gothic Manners
April 12, 2011

1 comment

Marry Him: Prologue

I recently read Marry Him by Lori Gottlieb. I was inspired to read it, in a roundabout way, by the furor over Manning Up. It was so interesting I decided to write about it.

I decided to write a lot about it, actually. This is a first in a series of chapter by chapter posts about the book to be followed by my conclusions. To summarize my thoughts up front Ms. Gottlieb has diagnosed half of the princess mentality that seems to have infected a large percentage of American women, especially college educated middle class women. Sadly her cure, like her diagnosis, only gets to half the problem and probably the lesser half at that.

Her prologue is subtitled “The Husband Store” after a fairly common joke of the same name. Her version includes the wife store section. Her wife store has three know floors: likes sex, likes sex and is nice, and likes sex, is nice, and likes sports. I tend to tell it with three known wife store floors as well but are is nice, is nice and likes sex, and is nice, likes sex, and cooks. Remember her list and mine because we’ll come back to it at the end of all of this.

She then lists the qualities she’d seek if she went to a husband store. Let me point out that as she was writing this book she was a 39 year old, never married single mother. This is the list she wrote when a married friend called BS when Gottlieb claimed she didn’t have a list. Just to give you an idea of the list I’m reproducing it in full below along with comments on if I think I could theoretically meet it. I measure myself against it for two reasons. First, I think I’m pretty typical and maybe slightly above average in terms of single men in Gottlieb’s age group (as I write this I’m 44). Second, I only know one man well enough to measure against it and that is myself.

Gottlieb’s Husband Shopping List:

  1. Intelligent (yes, I not only qualify for Mensa but Triple Nine Society among others)
  2. Kind (Used to be but I’ve gotten bitter over the years and might not pass now)
  3. Extremely Funny (I think so…if someone from HS you barely knew friends you for making his GF almost pass out laughing three decades ago you might be)
  4. Curious (yes)
  5. Loves kids (eh…we’ll go with no)
  6. Financially stable (yes)
  7. Emotionally stable (in the past couple of years finally)
  8. Sexy (based on female attention no)
  9. Romantic (see Kind)
  10. Passionate (no)
  11. Compassionate (yes)
  12. Irreverent (sure)
  13. Intuitive (no)
  14. Generous (yes, very much so)
  15. Same religion but not too religious (no and yes)
  16. Optimistic by not naive (given I believe the glass is half poison, no)
  17. Ambitious but not a workaholic (not really, no)
  18. Talented by humble (yes and no)
  19. Warm but not clingy (no)
  20. Grounded but not boring (yes and…well, I don’t thing yes but experience says I am)
  21. Soulful but not new agey (no)
  22. Vulnerable but not weak (yes)
  23. Quirky but not weird (no, I’m weird)
  24. Free-spirited but responsible (no and yes)
  25. Charismatic but genuine (no and yes)
  26. Strong but sensitive (yes and no)
  27. Athletic but not a sports nut (neither)
  28. Open-minded but has conviction (yes)
  29. Decisive but not bossy (no)
  30. Mature but not old (yes, although the author of Manning Up would disagree)
  31. Creative but not an artist (yes)
  32. Supportive of my dreams and goals (maybe, what are they?)
  33. Has a sense of wonderment about the world (no, see cynical)
  34. Is close to my age (shares my cultural references) (yes)
  35. Good listener and communicator (no)
  36. Flexible and can compromise (yes but less than a decade ago…but that’s aging)
  37. Sophisticated – well-educated, well-traveled, has been around (no)
  38. Over 5′10″ but under 6′0″ (no)
  39. Has a full head of hair (wavy and dark would be nice – no blonds) (no)
  40. Has shared political views (not sure but no is a fairly safe bet)
  41. Has shared values (somewhat)
  42. Is not into sci-fi or comic books (yeah, the markers of being a ‘man child’ are fully with me so I fail here)
  43. Has good taste/sense of aesthetics (I think I do but I doubt she’d agree)
  44. Health-conscious and physically fit (yes and no)
  45. Cares about the community at large (the way she means no, but I do)
  46. Cares about animals (more than people sometimes)
  47. Competent (yes)
  48. Handy around the house (yes)
  49. Cooks (yes)
  50. Likes the outdoors (hiking, biking, Rollerblading) (yes)
  51. Likes my friends and I like his (who knows)
  52. Not moody (no)
  53. Trustworthy (yes)
  54. Is a team player (yes)
  55. Is literary and enjoys wordplay (yes)
  56. Is math or science oriented (hmmm, gee, I think I can say yes)
  57. Likes discussing (but not arguing about) politics and world events (used to be but learned better)
  58. Stylish (no, but I have been called a well dressed man)
  59. Stimulating (yes)
  60. Not a slob – respectful of our living space (no, but getting better)
  61. Is madly in love with me (I’ll never get the chance to find out based on this list)

That’s right, when she started the book she needed a 61 floor husband store before she’d go up one more. By the way, before you conclude she forced herself to come up with this over a week or so it took her three minutes to write. If you can write something in three minutes it’s burned into you.

When the same friend challenged her to par it down she did things like lowering the height minimum to 5′7″ and crossing off cooking because “he can always learn”. It would appear the reason Ms. Gottlieb needed a man who could compromise was because she could not, at least not in any meaningful way.

The reason I compared myself to the list was not to toot my own horn but to make a point. As I said, I think I’m fairly typical of what’s out there in the 40ish dating market. I can solidly claim to be 23 of her 61 things. Assuming I’m at the 50th percentile at 23 out of 61 what percentile are the guys at even 45 much less the theoretical 61 (actually 59 as two are unknowable at the start).

The rest of the prologue tracks how Gottlieb came to write the book. It began as an article for The Atlantic where she’d earlier written about choosing to have a child with sperm from a sperm bank. Dining with her editor and discussing the potential article she reflected on how her friends complained about their husbands. At first she’d congratulate herself on not settling for such inferior men and an unhappy life, but she slowly admitted to herself that her friends had happy lives she envied. I realized that none of them would trade places with me for a second is how she describes it.

The article came out and provide quite interesting reactions. One at Moe at Jezebel was especially entertaining. She was surprised at some of the reactions. However, it would inspire her to discuss with friends, other women, and professionals in a variety of fields the issues women face in finding marriage if they so choose and how to address or better yet avoid them.

I applaud Ms. Gottlieb’s willingness to be an iconoclast in this day and age of female ascendancy. However, in looking only to women I think she missed half the fight, a half more recently covered at The Huffington Post of all places. In order to notice I recommend you keep those three floors of the wife store in mind as we move through the book.

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By Miss Gothic Manners
April 10, 2011

2 comments

I May Start Dressing Better After Work Than At It

This post brought up something that has been crossing my mind since I got the new job. In answer to the question I said “Joey Bishop” because he’s the only one not wearing a coat and tie.

That this stands out for me should surprise no one who has known me more than a few years. In late 2001 George Will wrote a column whose paragraph has effected every day of my life since:

But, then, you knew that just from looking at how grown-ups dress down. Time was, children enjoyed dressing up like adults. Now adults increasingly dress like children. In airport concourses you see them, men wearing jeans and T-shirts and running shoes, holding the hands of small boys dressed similarly. Small wonder they play similar games.

Ever since I haven’t worn a shirt without a collar out and for a long time didn’t wear jeans as regular wear. I back slide on the later but I’ve been considering going back. Even broader I’ve been giving serious consideration to wearing a sport-shirt, with sleeves, or an out and out dress shirt with tie as my regular wear. Why? Because a gentleman should dress as such.

Why would this mean dressing better after work? Because, despite working in banking, my office is so casual my boss routinely wears a tee shirt, shorts, and flip flops. I’m already one of the best dressed people in my group. Moving up to shirt and tie every day would probably be politically problematic.

I can see soon going home after work and getting dressed to go to Borders or an SCA meeting.

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By Miss Gothic Manners
April 8, 2011

1 comment

An Answer to an Annual Question

Every year for Valentines Day there is an article lamenting how men no longer measure up. I missed this year’s big entry because it came out after Valentine’s Day.

Well, this morning the Drudge Report provided an answer: Monica still loves Bill.

But 15 years on, Bill Clinton’s former intern Monica Lewinsky has not got married or had children because she is reportedly still in love with him and ‘always will be’.

Miss Lewinsky, 37, has run a successful business, hosted a reality television show and moved overseas – but has never found love, according to friends.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1365046/Im-love-Bill-Friends-say-Monica-Lewinsky-got-married-kids.html#ixzz1GJq7n12B

In the era of female promiscuity that has come with the sexual revolution we typical men realize there is one or more sexy men in every woman’s past who will be their Bill Clinton. We typical men realize that we’ll never measure up and more often than not you’ll leave us looking for someone who can be him (or if you never had him something will change that makes you think now you can).

Do men have their Bill? Sometimes but the old saw about “men can only have sex when women want them; women can have sex whenever they want” means many more typical women will have gotten a shot with a sexy man than typical men will with sexy women. Male 9s will bang chicks who are 6s but few female 9s will even bang a male 8.

As a husband dumped because “now I can do better” I know how much it sucks and our single friends have watched it happen too often to us (and for many under 30 to their fathers).

I miss my ex-roommate from Texas more than my wife or any ex-girlfriend. The only thing a woman gave me he didn’t is sex but in terms of being a partner at home, a friend in good times and bad, and someone I wanted around he beats them all.

That’s where we went ladies. The men you used to classify as good men (because, given everything I’ve done to be out there I’m clearly not a good man by women’s standards nor are my friends) you decided aren’t anymore. We’re Mr. Right Now. We’re Mr. Settle For.

Why would we want to be that? What fulfillment will we find there?

So you can keep complaining that good men don’t exist while pining for your Bill. Me, I’m playing video games.

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By Miss Gothic Manners
March 11, 2011

2 comments

Working on my Groundhog Day Resolutions

Part of my “personal holiday calendar” the big date for February is Groundhog Day complete with resolutions.

I’ll put them out for the world to see on Wednesday.

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By Miss Gothic Manners
January 30, 2011

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May I Present…

From Emily Post’s Eitquette

THE WORD “present” is preferable on formal occasions to the word “introduce.” On informal occasions neither word is expressed, though understood, as will be shown below. The correct formal introduction is:
“Mrs. Jones, may I present Mr. Smith?”
or,
“Mr. Distinguished, may I present Mr. Young?”
The younger person is always presented to the older or more distinguished, but a gentleman is always presented to a lady, even though he is an old gentleman of great distinction and the lady a mere slip of a girl.

Mrs. Post goes on to list some exceptions to the gentleman/lady rule: The President, A Cardinal, or a reigning sovereign. For those wondering about the Pope, he’s both of the last two.

She also discusses the informal version.

When departing she advises:

After an introduction, when you have talked for some time to a stranger whom you have found agreeable, and you then take leave, you say, “Good-by, I am very glad to have met you,” or “Good-by, I hope I shall see you again soon”—or “some time.” The other person answers, “Thank you,” or perhaps adds, “I hope so, too.” Usually “Thank you” is all that is necessary.

In taking leave of a group of strangers—it makes no difference whether you have been introduced to them or merely included in their conversation—you bow “good-by” to any who happen to be looking at you, but you do not attempt to attract the attention of those who are unaware that you are turning away.

As you chase your dreams one key thing is networking. This matters if your dream is being a US Senator or just meeting a cute girl. One huge way to improving your networking is to learn basic manners and the starting point is knowing how to introduce people and take your leave.

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By Miss Gothic Manners
November 3, 2010

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On Writing

I don’t like to write, but I take great pleasure in having written-in having finally made an arrangement that has a certain inevitability, like the solution to a mathematical problem.

– William Zinsser in Writing to Learn

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By Miss Gothic Manners
August 22, 2010

1 comment