Things Not To Put In Your Online Dating Profile

Okay, first off two assumptions:

1. These posts are aimed at women.
2. These posts are aimed at women who want to have a traditional dating role: be approached by men where you select which ones to respond to

Today’s no-no is to list that you are Quirkyalone. Before the flame wars start please note I’m not saying don’t be Quirkyalone and consider my assumptions for context.

Why, in the context of my assumptions, is this something not to put in your online dating profile. You are subverting assumption number two. Let’s look at the Quirkyalone manifesto:

Quirkyalone is not anti-love. It is pro-love. It is not anti-dating. It is anti-compulsory dating. We tend to be romantics. We prefer to be single rather than settle. In fact, the core of quirkyalone is the inability to settle. We spend a signficant chunk of our lives single because we hold relationships to a high standard.

Now, go back to assumption number two. You want men to approach you but you’ve already put out a big sign that says, “I’m probably going to shoot you down.” You might think you haven’t. You might think you’re being very reasonable and just wanting someone as good as you are and being honest about it. You are, but you need to think like a man.

I had a female friend who once lamented that she needed to go on 100 first dates to find one man worth going on a second date. I countered it is the same for men but we have to ask 100 women out to get each of those first dates having to date a total of 10,000 to find one worth taking out again. While both of us probably exaggerated the ratios (I picked mine simply to match hers) there is a fundamental truth at work here. Even if we are both off by a factor of ten that means as a man I have to approach ten women per date and 100 women per wanting a second date. Assuming getting the second date if 50/50 that’s still 200 approaches before going out with someone.

So, like women men filter out prospective dates. That is where advertising you’re being Quirkyalone is going to hurt you. Men, especially in the online dating world, have learned to read “high standards” as picky and never satisfied. To use a more traditional term men will read that and think “she is high maintenance”. The big problem is high standards is a pretty amorphous concept. Does it mean I’ll only those who qualify for International Society for Philosophical Enquiry? Does it mean being an artist? Does it mean having an income over a certain level or having a certain profession? Does it refer to looks or religious beliefs? We don’t know. What we do know is in the past it has meant “not you” at some point. So, wanting to cut those 200 down to a more manageable number we consider ourselves pre-rejected and move on to the next profile. She may have smaller breasts, brown hair over your blond, and work at a bank over your job creating innovating animation for the web, but her profile is open and doesn’t make us think we’ll be jumping through hoops if we’re blessed enough to get a reply to our email.

Be Quirklyalone and hold out for the best to come along and make a life you enjoy without another person. Anyone who wants one day to be in a good relationship certainly needs to do the last one first. In the wise words of Tracy McMillan, You’re just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won’t. Once the initial high wears off, you’ll just be you, except with twice as much laundry. In owning that by choosing to be Quirkyalone you might be ahead of that woman in the next profile over even though she’s thinner, blonder, and better in bed.

So just say that. Have your profile tell me you’ve made a good life and are willing to share it with the right person. It’s much better than saying, “I’m Quirkyalone” and having him look up words that to him mean, “She more trouble than she’s worth”.